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A brief look into my character and his history
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Post by
523452
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Gumballs
Alright, I just have a few points. First off, this was a little difficult to read as you have a lot of run on sentences. Periods are your friends. ;)
Now I don't claim to be a lore expert or anything, but if I'm correct the age of your character doesn't make sense. According to the timelines I have seen, the Shattering happened at year 39 after the Dark Portal was opened (year 0). Which, if your character is 40-45 after Deathwings death, would put your character at age 1-6 when the Orcs first came to Azeroth, assuming Deathwings death occured the same year as the Shattering.
Another thing you never mention is training as a warrior. If this young farmhand is off fighting orcs and scourge, how did he acquire the skills to do so? It wouldn't be uncommon for the humans to raise a call of arms and require every able bodied man to fight. But that doesn't mean they will be good fighters, especially if he was a young male who grew up on a farm with an old man and his wife. Did he suddenly jump into the battle against the orcs without any prior experience in combat and kick ass? I highly doubt it. He would have had to have spend years acquiring and perfecting those skills afterwards to become a warrior and eventually a paladin, so when did that happen?
My last point is that the name Raveyn is very cliche, especially since it is a woman with darker skin. However this is not a game breaker (just a little corny) so if you are set on the name it's not a huge deal.
Overall it looks like the basis for a decent character. I'd like to get to know him more, so keep disecting him and his history and sharing. :)
Post by
523452
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Gumballs
This
is the timeline I used for reference. Like I said I'm not a lore expert, I struggle with timelines myself ALL the time for my characters, so I could be completely wrong with this. They are such a pain haha. You might want to have someone like Adams or Skree check it out as they know way more than me about this stuff.
I'm looking forward to see the rest of Ardaine's story and history unfold!
Post by
Levarus
Lordaeron, He
He
should be
he
.
their he lived
there*
his father an old man
You have two options: change the sentence to
his who was an old man
or put a comma between
father
and
an
. Else someone could assume he lived with his father and another old man.
Anyways, that was just in the first couple sentences, and if I corrected the other errors this post would be very, very long. Also,
don't
explain character's appearances at the end of the story, do that at the beginning. Else someone imagines a character the way they see him for the entire story and has a hard time seeing that character in an image different to that which they imagined him in. I found it very hard to read, and suggest a title rather than "a brief look into my character's history" since no one knows who your character is.
Anyways, that's my advice.
Post by
MasterOfDisguise
Argument removed. Levarus' post may have been a little strongly worded, but I honestly don't see any malicious intent behind it. The advice is for Randoom, so let him decide whether he wants to accept it. There's no point in jumping to his defense and derailing the thread in the process.
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